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| i'm so angry. i'm angry at myself. i'm angry at myself because i should have kept myself better guarded against these feelings i've had for you. i shouldn't have let them become this wide, this deep, this expansive. perhaps then i wouldn't be hurting as i am. perhaps then i wouldn't be watching our friendship dissolve away into absolute ruin and nonexistence. see, it's really my fault. my stupid idealism got in the way of what my realism told me would ever have been possible. i should've gone with reality, not possibility. then at least we'd still be friends, even if semi-absent of late. | | |
| i feel like punching you in the face then spitting in the wound. does this make me a bad person? does it mean i don't love you? at all? hmmmm. maybe you're just a giant shite who's acting like an idiot. ha! it's interesting that i was in love with someone who, as it turns out, is just like everyone else.....how lame of me. | | |
| I could smell the alcohol on your breath as you exhaled gently as you lay. You were sleeping higher than I so as you exhaled, your breath found its way to my nostrils and I inhaled it. Your legs were drawn up toward your body, your arms out in front of you. I slept with my head on your pillow, one hand clutching your arm, the other resting inside the palm of yours. I looked at you as we lay together nearly face to face. I looked at your face obscured by darkness and shadows. I could just make out the outline of your nose and your chin. Your hair was disheveled, yet so cute. I could see your lips and I wanted to kiss them. I wanted to touch your face as my lips grazed your lips. I wanted to taste you. I wanted to be connected to you, to touch your soul and engage your spirit. Finally, you were sleeping quite soundly. Not wanting to disturb your rest, I carefully rose up off the bed. I turned to look at you and saw that the blanket had come up over your feet; so, I covered them again. I thought about kissing your cheek but didn’t for fear that it might wake you from this slumber which gave you rest and peace in a moment of angst and sadness. And as I gazed down at you, making my turn for the door, I was thankful for you and for that you were safe and for the hope that maybe someday you would be able to love yourself as much as i love you. Goodnight, my love.
~next day~
how dare you!? how dare you go back to him? he doesn't love you. he doesn't cherish you. he cherishes the vanity of his own pride, of his own self-protection. i would love you in every way you wanted and needed and in whatsoever ways i might be found wanting, i would not rest until i had acquired whatever utility necessary to secure your felicity. i have loved you always and still do now, though i cannot deny what grievous pain you now afflict upon me though i suppose unintentionally. i would have you know that i will always love you as my friend. you are so important to me, so very dear to me. i cherish your thoughts, your quirks, your tastes, and your opinions. i desire to know you in all ways and i would never speak to you the way he does and make you feel like shit. you're more amazing than you realize; i'm afraid he'll never help you see that. you've not been happy lately. you say your life seems like it's going nowhere. you're bored. so you're going back to what's comfortable, what's easy.....what's convenient. how foolish, when all the while the real thing is right in front of your face. | | |
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Your Psyche is Violet
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You are spiritual, intuitive, and serene.
People trust you to rescue them from bad situations, and you usually come through.
While you are quite enlightened, you find that your path is very lonely.
When you are too violet: you can't connect to ordinary life or ordinary people
When you don't have enough violet: you lack wisdom and can't learn from the past
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